I have an amazing opportunity to be a part of The Parallax Art Fair in London in July!!! But I need help to get there! Here's a link to The GoFundMe that my awesome niece hath put together for me. If you can help, or share or know of some great ways to get there(flights and deals) and where to stay for this event, please feel free to message me. I would truly appreciate it! Thank you!

The Dream of A Future That Will Never Be

Let me tell you about a dream I had many years ago. It was such a great dream, I have never forgotten it. It was like a look into my future, a perfect future, that I held on too many years, in hopes it would proven to be true.
But, considering our situation, it was unlikely. But, I still would think of it many times.

In this dream, I had an art studio, filled with painting and art supplies and huge windows that would give me tons of natural light. The view from outside the window was trees with Spanish Moss hanging from it, colorful greens and yellows and with a misty foggy hue outside.
Inside the studio, standing atop a platform, were two models, a male and a female, almost nude, posing for some painting I was beginning to sketch out.
There was a knock on the door and I opened it.
Stacey walked in, holding a big plate of sandwiches and munchies and drinks for everyone. The models knew her and they were happy to see her.
Stacey, smiled and said "Is Dave having fun painting his naked people again?", everyone laughed.
The thing that really struck me as beautiful about it all, was that Stacey had long, grey hair, and little wrinkles , not deep, but it was obvious she, and I were much older.
We were living the dream as that eccentric, older artistic couple.somewhere where we always wanted to be, in our little studio house Everything seemed perfect.
It was perfect.

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Ups and Downs And All Arounds

The past few days I have actually been better as far as my depression and anxiety goes. I was able to get some things done and face the world.

Course that could be because I didn't have to work and the roads have been good. I guess we'll see how I deal with it all tomorrow when I'm back to work and we are expected some snow tonight.

Plus, Thursday will be Stacey's birthday. I thought about taking the day ff, but I really need the money. Yet, I know it's going to be a really hard day for me. I don't know what to do.

I want to have a get together at my place on Saturday to celebrate her birthday by playing her favorite cartoons and movies and eating her fave foods. Everyone is invited if they want to join me. I would like that.

Just trying to keep positive. Just can't wait til the Spring & Summer to get here.

High Anxiety. You Win.

So tired of being overwhelmed with anxiety. It's bad enough that tomorrow is Monday, I haven't found a way out of this suck ass city yet, and I have to deal with a snowstorm tomorrow driving to work and back.

Trying to relax and take my mind off of it, but nothing is working. Beyond stressed.

Fucking Hell.

Well, if I die tomorrow at least I got out of Michigan.

The Unwanted Recalling

I finally had a dream last night that Stacey was in. I didn't know where we were at, but it was someplace like a park, at night, slightly foggy and warm. I was looking for her and couldn't find her, then she appeared right in front of me. We hugged and she smiled and I told her I loved her. She smiled again. I then asked her to marry me again and she said yes. But, then the smile turned to sadness. Her eyes became dark and round and  teared up. A harsh reminder. The unwanted recalling. it was then that she remembered she was dead, and so did I. There were No words spoken as we looked at each other in this sad reminder.

Then, I woke up.

No matter the pain, Is it wrong to say "At least I got to see her face again?"

Staying Away From The Holidays

The snow has arrived. I hate snow. It makes driving a frigging nightmare, it's cold and it's always trying to kill me. 

But, I had to venture out this morning to pay bills and try to find a cheap gift for a co-worker because we're doing that whole Secret Santa thing. I don't have any clue what to get this guy. He lives such a different life than I that I have no idea what to get him. But, I ventured into a nearby Target to see what they had.

Couldn't find anything, but saw a toaster in the shape of a Star Wars Deathstar. I immediately  thought of Stacey. She would've order this for sure. She would have loved it. Then I saw a Lost In Space robot, which, I'm pretty sure she would have ordered for me. I just know she would've. She knew how much I loved that guy.

So, I just had to leave the store before I burst out in tears. Not because I didn't go and buy that stuff, but because knowing Stacey she would have been so excited about it all. This is the first Christmas without her. She was the best gift giver in the world. She LOVED giving gifts. She had so much fun with it, and she was super good at it. She could always find that rare thing that she would always surprise me with. I always got her big cardboard cutouts of her fave sexy dudes- Thor, Loki Bucky, Capt. Hook from Once Upon A Time.

This year will be none of that. I have no expectations of enjoying this season at all. It's going to be torture. I just want Christmas and all that fuckery that goes along with it, to go away.

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It takes everything I have, every iota of strength to get through every day. You know that feeling when you spin out in your car or just miss an accident and your heart is racing and it feels like it's going to burst out of your chest?

I feel like that all the time.

When I get home, I burst.

It all comes out and I crumble. The only thing that helps is drawing, but that's only sometimes.

I am exhausted from trying to find a way to fix this, but that's really all I do. Try to find a way to fix this.

I spend most of my time scouring the job sites in desperate attempt to find something that I am even remotely qualified for so I can try to get out of this shit that I am in. I hate almost every aspect of my life right now. Other than friends and family, a little space to call my own and, well, at least I HAVE a job that's barely keeping me afloat, I am miserable. I battle the urge to just stop everything and fade out every day.It wouldn't take much to push me over.

Except, that I am angry and just enough of a fighter to stick around just in spite of the world. That and, I guess, I still have some semblance of hope that things will change. But, I really don't know how. It just seems so impossible.The meds aren't working, the advice isn't helping. What I need is a positive change.And I can't seem to make that happen.

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